


Glorious Star of Heaven

by cassie_black



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Hogwarts Era, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 02:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1841434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassie_black/pseuds/cassie_black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione offers Harry the benefit of her advice on gay sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glorious Star of Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the title, and the inspiration behind this story, has to go to Bryoneybrynn.
> 
> Her 'quick poll on assholes' prompted me to bash this out, late one night. I suspect it may not be as funny as I found it at the time. But I blame late nights and caffeine.

Hermione looked up from her book as she heard the portrait hole swing open. Harry stumbled through looking slightly dishevelled. Obviously fresh from an encounter with Draco, she surmised. But the look on Harry’s face was not that of the recently satisfied.

Closing her book and putting it to one side, she patted the seat at the side of her.

“Come and join me,” she invited. “We hardly every get time to talk properly nowadays.”

Harry snorted softly and took the proffered seat. “That wouldn’t have anything to do with you being joined at the lips with Ron all the time, would it?”

Hermione narrowed her eyes slightly. “And you aren’t with Draco?”

Harry flushed a little and shifted uncomfortably. Sensing his unease, Hermione reached out and placed one hand over his. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You’re not fighting, are you?”

“Not as such,” Harry replied reluctantly. “We just…that is…he wants…” Harry’s cheeks were flaming red now and Hermione couldn’t help but smile at his inarticulacy.

“I can’t help you if you don’t spit it out,” she advised.

“What makes you think you can help?” Harry asked, slightly irritated.

Hermione shot him a look that spoke of severe consequences should he cast further aspersions on her abilities. “Of course I can help. Now what’s the problem?”

Still smarting from his earlier row with Draco, Harry was further annoyed by his best friend’s seemingly smug reply. “Fine,” he snapped. “If you must know, Draco wants us to have sex, and he’s mad because I won’t.”

He was rewarded by the sight of an answering flush on her cheeks. “Oh, I see,” she replied, finally having regained her composure. “Why not?” she asked bluntly. “Is it because it’s your first time?”

“Draco’s had load of experience,” Harry muttered, as if this explained everything.

“Oh, Harry, that doesn’t matter. If that’s what you’re worried about, I can get you a book from the library.”

“They have books on that? In the school library?”

Hermione nodded emphatically and Harry looked at her suspiciously. “Have you read them?”

“I might have glanced at one or two,” she replied defensively. “When you came out, I wanted to be prepared. If you don’t want a book, maybe _I_ can answer your questions?”

Harry squirmed slightly, somewhat unsettled at the thought of his studious friend flicking through gay sex manuals with the intent of passing on her knowledge to him.

“It’s just…I understand the mechanics of it -- what goes where, and all that. But I don’t see how it can possibly fit.”

Hermione gave a puzzled frown. “Fit?” she repeated.

“Yes. I mean, I’ve seen Draco naked, and there’s just no way that’s fitting in my arsehole.”

“Harry!” Hermione’s tones were scandalised, and Harry couldn’t resist the smug sensation of having shocked his know-it-all friend.

“Do you have to be so crude?”

“Well, that’s what it is. What would you prefer I call it?”

Hermione paused for a moment, and Harry suppressed a snigger at the thought that she was actually trying to come up with suitable names for his anus.

“How about hole?” he suggested, smiling slightly.

Hermione wrinkled her nose in distaste. “No. It sounds so impersonal.”

“Entrance?” Harry tried again.

Hermione shook her head. “Hardly romantic. And in any case, it’s more of an exit, if you think about it.”

Harry sighed in defeat. “Does it really matter what I call it? I’m far more concerned about what’s going _in_ it.”

Ignoring his comment, Hermione continued to mull over the topic. “I think love hole would work. Or maybe rosebud, a puckered rosebud. That’s much more romantic.”

Harry rolled his eyes, unable to quite believe the conversation they were having. “Okay,” he said, amusement dancing in his eyes. “The thing is, Hermione, I’m worried that Draco’s cock won’t fit in my puckered rosebud of a love hole. What do you suggest?”

“Honestly.” Hermione huffed, looking put out. “If you’re not going to take it seriously.” She went to stand up, but Harry tugged her back down, chuckling softly all the while.

“C’mon, sit back down. I’m only kidding.”

Only slightly mollified, she resumed her seat and folded her hands primly in her lap. “You could always have this conversation with Ron, if you’d prefer,” she sniffed.

Harry choked down his laughter. “Thanks, but I think Mrs Weasley would prefer if I didn’t give him an embolism.”

The corners of Hermione’s lips turned up just a fraction, and Harry knew he had won her round. “C’mon,” he coaxed. “Why don’t you tell me what you read?”

Thus directed back onto the topic of books and knowledge, Hermione relaxed once again. “Well, from what I read, there really is nothing to worry about. There were some…most informative pictures, which show that size really isn’t an issue.”

The slight flush on his friend’s face had Harry making a mental note to check these books out at the earliest opportunity. “That’s easy for you to say.”

“It’s true. Of course, it’s important that you stretch it first.”

“Stretch what?”

Hermione didn’t even bother to suppress the eye roll. “Are you being deliberately obtuse? You have to stretch the muscles first. That way, when it’s time for Draco to enter you, it won’t hurt.”

Harry remained silent for a moment. His expression was neutral, but inside he was struggling to control the urge to laugh hysterically at hearing such things come from Hermione’s usually prim mouth.

“How do I do that?” he asked, unable to resist teasing her slightly.

“Well, really it would be Draco who did it. He would need to insert his fingers inside your…inside your…”

“Anus?” Harry supplied.

“Ugh, no. That’s horrid.”

“Puckered rosebud, then?” Harry couldn’t keep the smile from his face.

“I don’t see what’s so funny about that,” she snapped.

“Oh, come on, Hermione. It sounds like something out of those trashy romance novels that Ginny’s always reading. Next thing I know you’ll be talking about my ‘glorious star of heaven.’”

Hermione got to her feet. “If all you’re going to do is take the mickey, then I’m going to bed.”

Harry wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes and reached out for her hand. “I was only joking, Hermione. I won’t do it again, promise.”

“I’m trying to help you here,” Hermione said, her voice just a touch frosty. “I can’t believe you’re not taking this seriously.”

“And I can’t believe you’re still talking about this! Some of us are trying to sleep, you know.”

Both Harry and Hermione looked in surprise to where a dishevelled Ron was stirring awake on the couch behind them. A shared look between them indicating that neither had realised the redhead was there.

Ron got to his feet and shot them a disgruntled glare. “Why don’t you just call it a blooming fuck-hole and be done with it.”


End file.
